An unnamed source at ManUre has revealed the details of the radical and secret apparatus (pictured above) recently installed at Carrington to hone the skills of England starlet Ashley Young. The source has also confirmed that ex-equine striker Ruud Van Nistelrooy was consulted in the development of a new training regime specifically designed for the former Villa man. “Ruud was the master – and we couldn’t get Greg Louganis” said the source, who declined to be named in case Fergie finds out and has his legs broken.

Young’s recent exploits have attracted a great deal of controversy, but United are unrepentant. “We couldn’t give two shites about it,” confirmed our source. “Let’s face it, we’re going to get those penalties one way or another. Anyhow, what about Liverpool? They got someone to teach Racist Suarez that Capoeira stuff so he could learn how to fall down without being touched. And Chelsea: they bought a Flight Simulator for Drogba last month.”